"Written for Girls" 14 - Part 5 You should avoid these traps 3. Suicide is related to ambition

Which wife can make her husband grow taller by nagging and sarcastically?

When Jane Wilsey married Thomas Carlyle in 1826, many of her friends thought she had ruined her happiness. Jane was a pretty girl--and an heiress--and everyone thought she could make a better husband. Thomas Carlyle was very smart, but also very clumsy, clumsy and eccentric. He didn't have a dime and didn't seem to have much of a future - all he had was intelligence and talent.

Jane Carlisle's marriage, and her stern Scottish husband, has become something of a legend. She watched her husband become the principal of Edinburgh University, be idolized in London, and become the famous author of classic literary masterpieces such as "The French Revolution" and "The Life of Cromwell". Their home in Dunchelsey also became a gathering place for all the literary geniuses of the day.

Jane Carlisle was originally a very talented poet; but in order to have more time to help her husband, she gave up her writing. Jane left family and friends and moved with her husband to an isolated Scottish countryside so her husband could write without interruption. She sewed her own clothes, became a frugal housewife, took care of her husband's chronic stomach disease, and eliminated his long-term depression. After her husband's books began to attract public attention, she associated with people who appreciated his talents. In the social circle, many beautiful women admired her husband, and she tolerated them because they brought more attention to her husband's works.

But perhaps Jean Carlisle's rarest accomplishment was that she never wanted to change her husband's personality. In a now-famous letter, she wrote “… rather than encourage everyone to conform to a type, I would rather draw a circle with chalk around everyone and advise them not to step outside the circle, And try your best to be your unique self.”

A few ladies may wish to improve upon some of Mr. Carlisle's disagreeable qualities, but of course they all think it is for his own good. Jen just helps him develop his own personality. She likes her husband for who he is, and she hopes that people in the world can accept her husband for who he is.

Really, there's a fine line between helping a man understand his own capabilities and pushing him to do something beyond his capabilities. To determine the limit of a man's ability, you cannot force him to do things beyond his ability. This must be done by women.

For Jean Carlisle, her husband was already a very intelligent genius, and she did not want to transform her husband into a polite entertainment expert. She respected Carlisle's clumsy personality and his stubbornness, so Jane only lived in her husband's "chalk circle." As wives, we may not all understand our husbands so well. Many a man suffers from a nervous breakdown because he was pushed beyond his capabilities—usually because he had an overly ambitious wife. There are many people who work very competently and happily in low-level positions. Forcing them to strive for high positions they are not suitable for will cause them to suffer from ulcers or go to an early grave because the added pressure and responsibility are not what their nervous system can bear.

The meaning of success means that we do a good job that is suitable for our own psychology, physical strength and personality. Orrison Sweet Madden wrote: A first-class brick-bearer is better than a second-rate man in any other profession. "

Nature created human beings and did not want everyone to become a general or director. But the reputation we give to people with big titles is exaggerated, and those who are content with anything other than the top job are often seen as too uneducated. His wife, sensing this silent pressure, would begin to stimulate him. From a social and economic point of view, he not only had to catch up with the status and income of Zhang San and Li Si's family, but he also had to rush to surpass them like a madman. “Who among you,” Jesus asked, “can grow taller by thinking and worrying?” No one could. Yet there are still many tragedies happening every day because so many women still think they can do it.

I know a woman who has been trying for twenty years to get her husband into a white-collar job. When she married her husband, he was a happy and talented plumber. She was ashamed to let her friends see her husband bringing a lunch box (even though it was filled with the best dishes) while her friends' husbands were carrying briefcases (even though they were empty) to work. So she stepped in Come in and take care of it.

In order to make his wife happy, the poor guy went to work as a secretary in a big company. Thanks to his wife's decision to make him achieve something, he has risen several levels in the past few years despite many difficulties. If he had continued to work as a plumber, their income might have been more than this, but, God forbid, he was now holding the pen instead of the screwdriver, and his wife just felt able to hold her head up. He is an ordinary secretary who is bored with his work and does not get much pleasure from life, but his wife has a lot of time to tell her female companions how she pulled her husband up from the labor class.

Pushing a man too hard will not only force him to give up a job he likes and move to a job he doesn't like, but sometimes it will also force him to leave a job that is already suitable for him and insist on moving up. It takes courage to give up a high-level position that you are qualified to take over; however, promotion sometimes brings misfortune.

This statement was confirmed by Clifford Silvertzman of the Honolulu Police Department. Police patrolman Sivaciman was transferred to another department shortly after the birth of his youngest daughter. Although this transfer resulted in a salary increase, it also required longer working hours and greater pressure. He had little time to take care of his wife and children. But as a responsible police officer, he still accepted the transfer and wanted to work hard in his new position.

He seemed to be doing fine - until he started losing weight, having trouble sleeping, feeling distressed and grumpy. Silvatzman went to his doctor to find out the cause. The doctor was his personal friend and could find nothing wrong with him, but after a long conversation he decided that Sivatzman's troubles were his own fault. The doctor called the police chief and told him that Sivatzman would collapse if he continued like this. Unless he was transferred back to his old post in the patrol department, the police would lose a good cadre. After Sivatzman was transferred back, his health immediately improved. He was able to eat and sleep normally, gained weight again, and his temper improved. "I learned a lesson from this," said Sivatzman. "For me, doing a job I love is much more important than receiving a high salary. Health, happiness and satisfaction are much more important than money. ." Clifford Silvertzman was lucky to learn this lesson in time. Some people never have this opportunity and still don't know it until it's too late.

Those who have read John Quant's novel "The Point of No Retreat" will definitely remember that in that society, "exclusive" schools, clubs, clothes and lifestyles were more important than personality, so the wife constantly Encourage her husband to climb the ladder step by step to satisfy her desire for social fame. The husband, although less than enthusiastic about this success, was cooperative with his wife's plans until in the end it was too late to turn back and he found himself at a point of no return, trapped in a situation that was not suitable for him. In the natural social circle.

A wife’s ambition may even have more serious consequences. In the most recent issue of Time Magazine, the following headline caught my attention: "The suicide of an American official is related to his ambition." The report mentioned that a 41-year-old State Department official hanged himself The reason was, as the police said, "ambition was thwarted." The police officer in charge of the investigation said that the unfortunate suicide's biggest ambition was to be a diplomat. But he had failed the foreign service exam twice or maybe three times. Therefore, we must be satisfied with the work within our capabilities and do not harm ourselves or our husbands. Do not strive to achieve more than we are capable of.

Dr. Peter Stankron, in his book How to Stop Killing Yourself, chastises wives who push their husbands too hard by making them work endlessly to outdo their neighbors. More money, better reputation and a higher standard of living. "This kind of woman," said Dr. Stankron, "is born to seek fame and fortune, or she acquires this trait through nurture. I have seen this kind of person destroy the happiness of many families."

So let’s allow our husbands to express their gifted selves! Don't try to force him into the mindset we envision as "success." "A writer cannot write all kinds of novels well," Andrea Inloys said in "The Art of Living": "A politician cannot reform every detail; a tourist cannot visit every place." "A country." "Again, a person must firmly and firmly reject plans that are not suitable for him. "If you want your husband to achieve the highest level, you should encourage him, love him, and stimulate him. Him, work with him. But be careful not to push him too hard or force him to do work beyond his ability.